Children and Adolescent Adjustment to Separation or Divorce
- Lisa Breedon
- Apr 28
- 6 min read
Divorce and separation are one of the most challenging transitions for individuals and families to navigate. A major additional stressor and deciding factor may be around the question “how will this affect my children?” There is a vast amount of research that focuses on how separation and divorce can place a child in acute distress, and increase risk for numerous different emotional, psychological, behavioural, educational, and relationship issues as they move through life (Lamb et al., 1997 as cited in Department of Justice, 2022).
Research shows that at 2 months after separation or divorce, stress levels are lower, but tend to increase over time, and may be at a peak levels between one and two years after a separation or divorce for both children and parents (Hetherington et al. 1992, cited in Grych and Fincham 1992 as cited in Department of Justice Canada, 2022). Although parents want the best for their children, they are often at reduced capacity to protect children from the various risks and harms induced by the effects of divorce and separation (Lamb, 1997 as cited in Department of Justice, 2022).
For the sake of adding some positivity to the topic, some recent and increasingly advanced research studies do provide insight that some children may become happier and less distressed when their parents separate (Amato 1994) and for others, by the time most children from separation and divorce become adults, they appear to have similar outcomes as those that come from families that have not experienced this (e.g., Lamb et al. 1997; Kelly 2000; Kelly 1993; Amato 1994 as cited in Department of Justice Canada, 2022). Past research was much more daunting and frequently spoke to longer term effects. One thing both past and present does agree on is there is no doubt that divorce and separation is an extremely challenging time period in one’s life, whether a parent or child.
Regardless, during childhood when children are often confused, caught between loyalty conflicts between parents, and thrown into intimidating court battles, finding ways to mitigate harm to the child needs to be the focus, and this blog will focus on a few ways that could be achieved.
Note: This blog is based on research and information summarized in a 2022 Publication by the Department of Justice Canada, titled “Voice and Support: Programs for Children Experiencing Parental Separation and Divorce”. To see the full report, follow the link:
The 6 Stages of Adjustment
Psychologist (Judith Wallerstein, 1983 as cited in Department of Justice Canada, 2022), conducted a 25-year study about effects of divorce on children. From this, she developed a list of six tasks that children must accomplish during the separation period and after, in order to stay on their developmental paths and mature into well-adjusted adults. According to Wallerstein, children need to complete the following tasks regardless of the number and kind of external stressors in their post-separation family arrangements:
acknowledge the reality of the separation;
disengage from parental conflict and distress, and resume customary pursuits;
resolve their loss;
resolve anger and self-blame;
accept the permanence of the divorce or separation; and
achieve realistic hope regarding relationships.
In Wallerstein's view, “high priority should be given to ensuring that parents' and children's acute distress responses to separation and divorce do not consolidate and become chronic (Wallerstein 1991 as cited in Department of Justice Canada, 2022), making them harder to root out later”.
According to her theory, the tasks fall in a sequence with varying time spans for each. The first two tasks, for example, should be mastered immediately to maintain the child's academic and developmental progress (Wallerstein 1983). These tasks have become the basis of many of the programs currently providing support to children experiencing parental separation and divorce (see e.g. Fischer 1997 as cited in Department of Justice Canada, 2022).
Stages of Grief
Interestingly, these 6 stages are quite similar to what is seen in the theory of the stages of the :5 stages of grief” by (Elisabeth Kübler-Ross1979 as cited in Tyrrell et al., 2023), which are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The stages are not only applicable to death as one might assume, but through any loss such as a divorce. Identifying the various stages of grief can help to anticipate and understand some of the reactions experienced throughout the grieving process. It can also help alert you to both parents and children's needs when grieving and find ways to meet them. With that being said, it is common for a person to jump back and forth between stages, or to not experience one (or some) of the stages at all. Everyone is unique in how they grieve, process and transition to a life that is different than what it once was.
What Children Say They Need More Of When Experiencing Divorce or Separation:
Most children say they want contact (or more contact) with their non-residential parent (Lamb et al. 1997 as cited in Department of Justice Canada, 2022). Interestingly, studies in the past have shown that when children are able to maintain a relationship with both parents, they fare much better and that boys are particularly impacted when they live with their mothers and do not see their fathers (Peterson and Zill, 1978 as cited in Department of Justice, 2004). One study found that the greater the amount of time lost with the father since the marital separation, the greater the maladjustment of the child in areas such as aggression and learning disability (Jacobson 1978, as cited in Department of Justice Canada, 2004).
During the period of initial separation, children seem to want to talk about the separation with other children or sympathetic adults other than their parents.
Children hungered for trustworthy information regarding divorce, its procedures, and its characters. They were not getting this information from their parents.
Formal Programs to Support Children and Families with Separation and Divorce
According to the report by the (Department of Justice Canada, 2022), programs that focus solely and directly on divorce are uncommon, and the ones that are available are in high demand. There are some helpful programs which families can be referred to through court. Alternatively, counselling is one of the more accessible and common options for children and families. It does not require involvement with the court and could be a good way to start exploring emotions and working towards prevention of harm prior to confusing court processes or even prior to a separation.
How Can Counselling help?
Counselling can provide a positive experience in which the counsellor can support the child by assisting with emotional exploration; identifying feelings, soothing, normalizing, and accepting feelings about separation or divorce. They may attempt to address fantasies of reconciliation, self-blame, depression, blaming parents, anger, anxiety, withdrawal, acting out and feelings of competence and self-esteem (see Pedro-Carroll and Cowen 1985; Pedro-Carroll et al. 1986; Appendix C as cited in Department of Justice Canada, 2022). Counsellors often work on teaching coping skills to regulate feelings and manage their responses to divorce and post-separation. They may focus controlling anger, complying with rules, getting along with other children, solving personal problems, and dealing with conflicting loyalties and strategies to insulate themselves from parental conflict and manipulation (how to avoid being caught in the middle of conflict!). Since parent’s are often involved to some degree with the counselling, therapists may also be able to work towards identify and resolving entrenched destructive behaviours among the parents and implementing positive parenting/coparenting strategies.
Depending on the counsellor's education and scope of practice, they may also be able to support children with education around what they may anticipate regarding court processes in a kid friendly way, which could include role playing situations, for example, and techniques can be adjusted according to the child’s age.
Some counselling or community organizations may also offer therapeutic or skills development groups in addition to (or independent of individual counselling), which can be beneficial in sharing, validating, and exploring various coping skills among other children and families with similar experiences.
Additional Tips, Local Supports and Resources
Build A positive Support System - “It takes a village to raise a child!”
Building a support network around the child (and parents too!) which includes extended family, friends, and other community or social supports such as children’s programs to encourage the child to continue to focus on learning and social skills, informal or therapeutic support groups in the community where both children and parents can share their experiences around divorce and separation. If needed, there may be respite supports in the community that may be helpful for single parents when they need time and privacy to address legal matters without children’s ears nearby.
Local Resources/Programs
See this link to learn more about a local London community resource program called “S.W.I.M” for single mothers.
Merrymount is a family support and crises center which offers many resources including a group to support parents and children through the divorce process. Click the link for information about how you can sign up for the groups including the “Mom’s House/Dad’s House” art therapy focused group for children ages 6-12.
Learn About and Implement Positive Co-Parenting Strategies Early on in the Divorce/Separation Process
Here is a link to some helpful coparenting Do’s and Dont’s which you can start implementing as soon as possible:
References
Department of Justice Canada.(2022). Voice and Support: Programs for Children Experiencing Parental Separation and Divorce. Retrieved from the Department of Justice, Government of Canada website: https://canada.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/divorce/2004_2/toc-tdm.html
Department of Justice Canada. (2004). High-conflict Separation and Divorce: Options for Consideration. Retrieved from the Department of Justice, Government of Canada Website. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/divorce/2004_1/index.html#toc
Tyrrell P, Harberger S, Schoo C, et al. Kubler-Ross Stages of Dying and Subsequent Models of Grief. [Updated 2023 Feb 26]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2025 Jan-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507885/
Comments