Understanding the Stress Response System (and How to Help Your Family Navigate It)

Have you ever wondered why your heart races when your child runs toward the street, or why your child might freeze during a school performance? That’s the stress response system at work. It's not bad—it’s actually designed to protect us! But when it’s overactive or misunderstood, it can cause big feelings and tough moments for kids and adults alike.

Let’s explore what the stress response system is, how it works, and how families can navigate it together.

What Is the Stress Response System?

The stress response system is the body’s built-in alarm system. When we sense danger—real or imagined—our brain sends signals to our body to prepare us to fight, flee, or freeze. This is often called the “fight, flight, or freeze” response.

This response is controlled by a part of the brain called the amygdala, which acts like a smoke detector, quickly reacting to any perceived threat. It signals the hypothalamus, which activates the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.

These changes help us survive in emergencies, but the system can’t tell the difference between a charging bear and a spilled cup of juice. For children—whose brains are still developing—this can lead to big emotions over seemingly small things.

What Do “Fight, Flight, and Freeze” Look Like?

These stress responses are meant to protect us, not hurt us. But especially in kids, they can show up in ways that feel confusing or even frustrating if we don’t understand them.

Let’s break them down:

• Fight: This might look like yelling, hitting, talking back, or throwing things. The child’s body is trying to protect itself by pushing the threat away.

• Flight: Running away, hiding, avoiding eye contact, or leaving the room—this is the brain’s way of saying “Get me out of here!”

• Freeze: This one’s easy to miss. A child might go quiet, zone out, stare blankly, or feel unable to move or speak. It’s their brain hitting “pause” until it feels safe again.

These are automatic, biological responses, not conscious choices. Your child isn’t being “bad”—they’re being human.

How Does Stress Affect Kids?

Children’s stress systems are extra sensitive because their brains and bodies are still growing. When they feel unsafe, unheard, or overwhelmed, their stress response can become easily triggered—even if there's no real danger.

Chronic or repeated stress (like ongoing family conflict, academic pressure, or bullying) can lead to toxic stress, which disrupts brain development and can affect learning, behaviour, and physical health.

But here’s the good news: with support, children can learn to regulate their emotions and develop a healthy stress response system. This is where caregivers and trusted adults play a big role.

What Can Families Do?

1. Name It to Tame It

Helping children understand what’s happening in their body when they’re stressed gives them power. Psychologist Dr. Dan Siegel encourages us to “name it to tame it”—give feelings a name so they don’t feel so overwhelming.

Try saying, “It looks like your body is feeling scared right now. That’s your brain trying to keep you safe. Let’s take a deep breath together.” This validates the child’s experience and opens the door to calming strategies.

2. Model Calm & Co-Regulate

Children co-regulate with the adults around them. If you're calm, they’re more likely to calm down too. If you're dysregulated, they will feel that energy. Take deep breaths, speak gently, and stay close. This builds a sense of safety, which is essential to calming the stress response.

3. Use Grounding Techniques

Grounding activities help shift the brain from survival mode to thinking mode. Try:

• 5-4-3-2-1: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste.

• Blowing bubbles or pretending to blow up a balloon.

• Movement—jumping jacks, dancing, or a walk outside.

These tools help reset the nervous system.

4. Build in Routines and Safe Spaces

Consistency builds a strong foundation. Predictable routines, gentle transitions, and a calm environment reduce the brain’s need to stay on high alert. Feeling safe is the opposite of feeling stressed.

Morning check-ins, after-school snuggles, or a calming corner in the home can signal to the brain that things are okay. Even five minutes of consistent, calm connection each day makes a difference.

5. Talk About Stress When Calm

When things are calm, talk with your child about how stress feels in their body. Help them recognize early signs—like a tight chest or clenched fists—so they can catch it before it escalates. These are important steps in developing self-regulation skills.

By revisiting what happened with curiosity and not shame, you help build self-awareness and teach kids that their feelings aren’t scary—they’re signals.

Try saying: “When your body froze at school, that was your stress system trying to protect you. What could we try next time?”

A Quick Note to Caregivers

Kids aren’t the only ones with stress systems—you have one too. You’re not failing if you feel overwhelmed. You’re human. Taking care of yourself models resilience for your children. That might mean going for a walk, asking for support, or even just breathing deeply in the chaos of the moment.

Take a moment to ask yourself:

• What triggers my fight/flight/freeze response?

• How does stress feel in my body?

• What helps me come back to calm?

Supporting yourself is supporting your child. Always. Remember, you don’t have to be perfect—you just have to be present.

Final Thoughts

Understanding the stress response system gives us a roadmap for supporting kids when they’re at their most vulnerable. With compassion, connection, and a few practical tools, families can turn stressful moments into opportunities for growth, regulation, and deeper bonds.

And that’s something worth celebrating.

References

Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (n.d.). Toxic stress. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/key-concept/toxic-stress/

Firestone, L. (2022). Name it to tame it: The emotions underlying your triggers. Psychology Today.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/compassion-matters/202202/name-it-to-tame-it-the-e motions-underlying-your-triggers

Harvard Health Publishing. (2020). Understanding the stress response. Harvard Health. https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/understanding-the-stress-response

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind. Delacorte Press.